... sigh .... 2020

 Really, this is an unspeakable  year.   

My father passed away.  My other sister has cancer and is doing chemo ( thou ovarian cancer caught early, which is actually awesome, because you don't normally get to catch it early - so actually probablly great)

There have been other gastly things which I've obviously blocked from my memory cause I can't remember them off the top of my head.

One of my musician crushes passed away a few days ago and I only found out this afternoon. 

He once passed unnecessarily closely to my chair at a gig in Brisbane and I got to leer at his rear from an inch away, and then proceded to say sexually inappropriate things on line *smacks wrist bad sammy*.  One of a handful of people whom my occasionally unruly hormones and enthusiasms inspired me to fly for to see.  I even went out in Townsville, where I never feel particularly safe to be inebriated on my own.

RIP Mike Noga

Ps. Could all the other people I adore please take very good care of themselves for at least the next six months.  I'm usually pretty resilient,  but this year is testing me.

My silly sister ...

... has been diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of breast cancer.

Really, i should have been worried when nothing went wrong with my scooter.  Something bad always happens in December. I hate xmas.

Luckily, the found bits are primary rather than secondary (which was first thought), and it hasn't attached to the bone , so really best xmas present ever!

Suxs to be my sister though. Chemo, mastectomy and radiation therapy for the near future.

I was kean to attempt the plaster cast of her soon to be removed bits but she ain't interested, and her husbands suggestion of a photo shoot met similar distain, lol.

However, maybe I should go look for something extra to the socks I have bought everybody for xmas.

She is the linchpin of the siblings and we might all dissolve into our component parts without her.

She is a treasure.

... but also ...

I am a little sad tonight.

New patient, a young girl/lady, was filling in the new patient form and asked what 'alternative ' meant.  Except she couldn't even pronounce it correctly and called it 'alternate'.

She was quite nice, and her friend who had suggested out centre was also nice, but I find it very distressing when simple words are not understood.  I was heartened the friend gave a good explanation of 'alternative ' even if she was calling it 'alternate '.

I have had young people ask what midday or noon means.
I have had young persons ask what surname means.

George narrowly escaped adornment yesterday when he stopped by. His family, or someones family, were taking him for a walk (unleashed).

Oh god! it's March Already

lots of birthdays this month and a notable death day - dear beloved Mr Pratchett - have been rolling about like a cat in catnip in an orgy of rereading disc world novels of late - finishing off snuff for the fifty thousand something time - remember the first time i read a terry pratchet novel - colour of magic - i was cold and sick and depressed at the time - remember rolling around on the floor laughing that the main character had just fallen of the edge of the world to what could only be certain death at the end of the book - never got quite so upset about stuff after that - i felt like a had a better handle on perspective - cheers terry

went to a book signing in sydney - figured i would be gone for about an hour - however three hours later i finally got to the head of the line and was in too much pain from standing around on street corners to be coherent - he was perfectly happy to chat but sadly i was not up for it - longest queue at a book signing i have every seen - people  i worked for were rather worried by my disappearance

my eldest niece has started university and is slogging away at the required number of driving hours towards her licence

my youngest niece has started prep

i resemble something like a beached whale at the moment

my sofa bed seems to suck all the energy out of my posterior 

leaving me like limp overcooked spaghetti

brotherinlaws birthday today and champagne and margaritas of many colours have been consumed with a willing heart and a sated belly - mmmmmm nachos mmmmmmmmmm

If you write it it will happen

Slightly closer to being online again.
Well, more than slightly.
Perhaps more just slightly off being online again?
Best friend gave me her old computer.
Windows drivers downloaded (whatever they are)
Just need to go get a new sim for the donglethingywhatever since it has been so long since I used it.

Cutest little black cat lurking around my flat.  Massive testicles for such a little kitty.  Belongs to someone, cause has a collar.  Vague teasing thoughts of accidentally on purpose letting my unfixed girl cat out so I could have lots of little black kittens like in the nightmare I had on Monday are kicking about in the back of my mind, but I assure you I am resisting!  It is my goal to get Wombat-cat desexed before Christmas.

My beautiful Bubba-cat, who would have been 17 come January as far as I am aware, disappeared never to be found mid-July and I have been very sad.  I have at least stopped crying every time I come home because he isn't running down the driveway to herd me into the carport.  He was looking very frail and was deaf and senile and it would have been his time soon, but I so wanted a body.  I had intended to have him cremated and carry his remains around it a little pottery jar whenever I moved house. (I inherited the ashes of one of the family cats "Russell".  Mum used to have them, but then she moved and was downsizing belongings and ditched him on my older sister, who had originally owned him until mum stole him.  Marianne didn't really want them, but didn't want to chuck them out, so I took them.  He was a great cat)

So ... i am down to five cats now.

The ever beautiful, wonderful and delightful Augie March have at last put together a new album which should be out soon and I am waiting with bated breath to hear.  October October October come soon :)

Have failed dismally to save up, argh, it is karma that I have no travel money and shall have to slap myself about until I get my brain functioning again.

Have mostly been sleeping for the last year or so, so it will be good for me to blog again.  I do more when I have interests.  Am doing up the atrium at work and will post photos when I finish.  Not that it will be anything earthshatteringly interesting, but have vague intentions of making some little monsters/creatures out of modeling clay, weatherproofing them with boat sealant and having them peek out from under plants. A project for next year.  Have never made anything before and will probably be terrible at at.  I have never been good with my hands.

ciao

Not a nice surprise

I was a little shattered to hear that Anne McCaffery died 21 November last year.  My sister mentioned it yesterday when she saw me browsing through her copy of The White Dragon. She is one of a handful of writers that got me through my early years a relatively sane - ish person. I remember receiving one of her books on the birthday I spent in hospital. I had an excellent stay.  Napping and reading and napping and reading and watching a nun paint a big square pillar with scenes of Jack & Jill.

Whenever I was unhappy or struggling to go to sleep I would imagine myself on Pern.  Sometimes impressing a dragon.  Sometimes a fire lizard.  Sometimes just working in a hold weaving or something.  I could never really cast myself as someone working in a weir cause they all seemed so secure in themselves and confident and even in my fantasies I was never secure in myself or confident - lol

Nostelgia

Tonight "the crow" is on telly.
I believe this was the first time I saw Brandon Lee.

I saw it and instantly wanted him ever so much.
I don't know why.
I even liked him in that other silly movie with dolf whatever his name is starting with L.  Lindgren? something like that.  He was in a rocky movie.
It was very silly.
I wanted to marry him.
I think I was twenty ish?
I had never experienced any kind of long term urge for possession before this.
I was so angry when he died.
I think I even threw a book across the room or some other such tanty kind of exhibition of myself.
Thankfully nobody was around to see.

He looks like such a jock too.  I never like jock-ish dudes.  I like slightly pudgy guys with glasses or boys wot look like musketeers.  Brandon Lee looks like he played football, for heavens sake!

(still kind of want him though)

and then there were six

Michael Fuzzball

Missing since Sunday

My Tina

Her fur was soft and plush. Like rabbit fur. She didn't like it when my feet were pointed directly at her. If I was going to pet her, I had to wiggle my fingers in the 'petting' signal and sidle up to her slowly. Even when she wanted a pat and had flung herself to the ground and rolled in that universal coy cat taunt of 'you just try and touch my belly and see what happens to you' if I approached too fast she would run.

Her mother was a feral kitten. I suspect she was dumped at my sydney rental by the drunken mad cat man that roamed the neighbourhood looking for his lost cat that had snuck into his van when he went to do his grocery shopping and then run away in fright. I think he saw my three fat tabby cats and sympathetic eyes and decided I was a likely one.

I'd been feeding cookie for a couple of weeks when I noticed her getting fatter than I expected. She seemed far to small to be getting preggers. She gave birth when I was away from home for a fortnight catsitting my brothers cats. I'd asked my flatmate to keep putting food out for her. I didn't manage to sight the kittens for weeks. They were so quiet. She would hide them under the bbq before calling to me for food. New Years Eve long weekend I caught them and bundled them in the vacant granny flat at the back of the rental which was probably full of asbestos. They were unfriendly and athletic. Loved to play. Two metres of ribbon with a toy mouse tied on the end and tripple somersaults and metre high leaps.

Her brother Michael became more friendly, but only to me. Tina just never seemed that interested. She was the prettiest of all my cats. Little girls immediately fell in love with her and were then were very very frustrated when she ran away and hissed at them.

I brought them with me to Townsville when I moved. At first they all stayed inside, but summer was so hot that in all good conscience I could not keep them locked inside, even though I have issues with letting them roam free. Partially to do with the effect on wildlife, but mostly because my first cat owned from out of home was hit by a car and killed.

After some time of freedom she became more approachable. Where previously she would make me chase her twice around the flat before crouching still to let me pat her, she took to inviting me to touch her - as long as I kept to the rules. She started to meow and nag me for food, which she had never done before. There was invitation to interact. If I were outside in the yard, she would come over and see what I was doing and keep company.

Picking her dead body up, still soft and warm lying in a halo of blood from the driveway of the house opposite will haunt me for awhile.

I couldn't dig a hole deep enough to bury her, but I can't face the thought of putting her in the wheelie bin with the used kitty litter to be thrown out with the trash.

I have wrapped her in a favourite dress. It cost a couple of hundred at the time. The skirt is soft and flowing, though not as soft as her fur was. Rest assured. I am not going to keep her bloody body in the freezer. At present she is as deep a ground as I can get her and I am buying potting mix to pile atop. One bag a day for the rest of the week, I guess. It is all I can fit on the scooter.

She was dead in all the dreams I had last night. Her blood stained collar is sitting on my bookcase.

oh

No more of zombie strippers for tonight.
A passing car just killed my tina-bella cat.
She has been with me for six years now.
She was a feral cat and only started coming to me for pats this last year or so.