Farewell 2019 Greetings 2020

Fare thee well year ...
With all your foolish virtual self harming thoughts
Punishing maybes
And
Possibilities

I hear the echos of fucks
That resound from blocks away
Both joyous
And
Not

A new year

A year that was not anything
A year that passed in a heart beat
A year in which the heart seemed to beat too much
Too fast
And sometimes not at all

It all evened out in the end
And counted for nothing

I am not sure the year counted at all
It cetainly didn't really feel like it happened

Some things are more 'more' than they were
But some are less?

Some closer to death
But i feel more distant

Mum had a stroke
Dad has Alzheimers
The house a street away sounds like a jolly domestic
Which is all very confusing

I think i feel more positive?
Determined
Less plastic

Mums is mostly herself
Just tires easily
Dad is sedated

Turning eleven of the clock
and only three or four houses are loud now
Happy louds
Wa heys and woos
Instead of ings

Its amazing how far an ing carries.

Further than embers

I am on the cooking channel
I am reading a childrens book
I am trying not to think about my life

It almost would be a relief to watch the bushfire news
(Which is a silly selfish thought)
(And both true and untrue at the same time)
(I am not so selfabsorbed as to trump tragedy)
(But selfabsorbed enough to fancy it for awhile)

Which makes me flash back to a scene from Grosse Point Blank
What an awesome film that was
... for a while ...

My new years resolution...
... apart from quitting alcohol,
Eating healthy,
Exercising and loosing weight) ...
Is to watch Grosse Point Blank on a regular basis
And attempt to learn the words off by heart!

I don't expect it to make me a more complete being

Probably I'd have to watch Lady Hawke for that, ay?

Edit:  you know it really drives me nuts when I can't work out what people are saying!  I refuse to put on dark clothing and crawl closer to their house just to hear. Why! Why did I not invest in one of them there cheap directional devices!  This happens every year.

Okay Fuckit!!!
That is my new NEW years resolution!
Directional fucking listening devices!

Fucking drives me nuts!

Ing ing ing ing ing

Edit edit:  and now all the neighbour hoood dogs are taking turns to bark.

And i can hear weird crashing fence noises
Close by ...
... but take reassurence in that they reported arresting the man in my neighbourhood this morning responsibe for a violent home invasion and crime spree, not really, argh!

Did i mention i missed most of 'Dinner for one'?
I love that show
I watch it every year
You should google it

Try and drink along with it, ha ha
Its a challenge!

They have been wooing periodically for hours
I just wish they sounded happier about it.

Twenty minutes to go.

Edit edit edit:  did i tell you already?  One of my first employers clients told my boss i sounded like a dead horse on the phone.  He called me into his office and made me practice sounding more cheerful.  He randomly called into the office over the next few weeks and after I'd answered the call would bark "SOUND MORE CHEERFUL".

This is what i want to tell the house a block away.

Twelve minutes too go

Edit efit editititditargh for heavens sake! Its still five mintes to go and they satarted the countdown to early and mucked it up counting down from ten to five.  Far ou brussel sprout.

Okay now they are wooing again.
They got the time right cause they can hear the fireworks going off in the distance...

... HAPPY NEW YEAR CUNTS     WOOO HOOO!!!!!!  ....

I wish i were there ...

I am swimming with delight of my nieces and nephew!

Eldest decided she really wanted to reenact a scene from the princess diaries where they have a canvas studded with balloons filled with paint and pop them with darts.

She decided to do this with her siblings to celebrate her mothers birthday, the day before mothers day, whilst her mother is away on long service leave camping holiday and not in a position to stop them,

She also decided to do this on the day they had mostly run out of food, and was soooo busy preparing for the event, that they'd not had much water, and decided they should have cocktails first, before doing anything else.
Like cooking.
And stuff.

Luckily, they also decided to film the event.
They even did a time lapse.

Sophie (happily/drunkenly) threw a dart.
It rebounded, after popping a paint filled ballon ...
... and she caught it again ...
... WITHOUT IMPALING HERSELF WITH THE DART!!!!

She therefore argued that it meant she got another throw.

I have suggested the resulting artwork should be entittled 'Twilight pee on LSD'.

Apparently it got smugged a bit when she thought it was a good idea to hop up on the table to add more paint filled ballons, instead of waiting for her much taller brother.
(Sophie is a bit on the short side, but tall in personality and determination).

She is already planning a reenactment for when her mom gets home, but possibly without the darts.

... and the tacks they where using to fix the balloons, which had a tendency too projectile out from the canvas with prejudice.

Also, they are missing some darts.

Oh hum ...

... my dreams are less than salubrious (sp?)

I blame the methotrexate, which makes me feel flat and less than happy.

The dream I experienced, when I was convinced I was not sleeping, but just resting, was a double layered event involving me dreaming about describing my dream of me not sleeping but just resting whilst experiencing me describing my dream about not sleeping.

Or is that triple?

I was still quite poitive when i woke that i didn't sleep.

Whatever, no wonder I am waking up with a headache because I am clenching/grinding my teeth.

My eldest niece dressed up in top hat, white gloves and vest to drive my nephew (her little brother who is probably nearly three feet taller than her ((i exagerate))) to his formal in her car, which she dressed up in a large top hat and moustache (made of foam).

Who needs a limousine, ey?

Snowball continues to fling himself at my feet, when I am strolling in the yard; and pretending his legs are broken so I will rub his belly.

I have failed to win the lotto again, sigh.

Am lavish and exuberant with my application of lavender oil, which is having a positive effect on the quality of sleep i am having, so am feeling quite chipper even though i am not sleeping as well as i do generally.

I am reading a book which features witches and i think it is influencing my sentence structure and word choices.

Frustrating dream ...

Dream self was told i smelt and needed to bath more regularly by dream coworker,  but in a nice way?!?

Dream self was thinking , well ...  maybe fair enough.  It is starting to get summery warm, and i usually shower at night before bed, not in the morning.

Maybe i do smell?

So i was nice to dream coworker, and thanked her for telling me.

But!

Then dream self remembers that dream self did actually dream shower that morning, though did not dream wash dream hair during dream shower.

And then i was all like, i'm gonna have a few words with not so dreamy dream coworker, and then i woke up without getting to yell at anybody.

D'oh!

... and also,

... mother has only been here for a day and a half, and its all been fine, but for some reason my eye tick wot i used to get in Sydney  when I was working long hours has started all ready.

I am spending all Monday  (my birthday) with her to expatriate  (sp?) my guilt for forgetting to call on her birthday. So far the plan is to spend all day driving around all the new suburbs I've yet to see.

What if I die before I hear the new album?
I may die of boredom.
Or kill my self.

Or kill my mother.

What was I thinking?

I was thinking i am a bad daughter who is counting down the years left based on when my grandmother's died.

Considering the effusive language being used by my parent in recent phone calls, so is she.

I am going to be very nice to my mother this year.
I am going to be very nice to my  mother this year.
I am going etc.

I am chanting to myself
A positive affirmation.

I can totaly do this.
Only it is so  much easier to do drunk than sober.
I can be quite chaty when tipsy.

My eye is still twitching.

Good Morning!

Harkening back to olden days when I  could scarf bacon and/or eggs benedict with impunity, I set myself down with the tasty salty snack and absentmindedly burnt toast, fried in a pan because I threw out the toaster in a fit of disgust in a culling cleaning rage months back and not replaced it, to listen to my beloved band Augie March's first released single of new album.

Eggs Benedict no long agrees with me and I can only eat if I am heading straight home from the cafe after to baptise the bowl in enthusiastic effluence (on my more affluent days when I go out for breakfast wot with coffee or tea costs $25 or more *shakes fist at the often too tempting suggestion of a hash brown*).

I've not felt the same about bacon since the bout of food poisoning, which it well and truly won, leaving me passed out and waking all warm and relaxed in a pool of my own vomit (it took ages to wash it all the little bacon bits out of my hair).

Augie however are still a blessing to my ears and brain. I find myself murmurring little inanities as I listen like they are my favourite cat who has just been particularly pleasing and winsome and cute ... aren't you a gorgegous little boy ... whose a clever boy ... aren't ya just a cute squiggy little pooky ... i love you, yes I  do, yes I  do ... etc, and swing my feet and hum happily like I do when I am eating something particularly nice.

My toes tingle in anticipation for February when the album is released and the back of my neck tightens as I contemplate how there is no way in heck I can get to the first performance, whilst I still speculate on maybe possibly if I eat peanut butter and vegamite for the next two months ... maybe? .... but toast gives me indigestion nowadays and I am already regretting breakfast, though I made cats very happy with tidbits of bacon and they are grooming themseves in a pleased fashion and looking approvingly at me from their lofty perches atop bookshelves which is currently a much favored and competed position since a little rain and the heat have produced a small flea situation until Friday payday when I can purchase the solution to my itchy ankles, since the bookcase won't hold me.

Expressing my delight would be a great deal easier if I didn't have to chicken peck this out one fingered on my tablet.  An exercise in exquisite frustration for a typist.  It interferes with my flow.

I go now to listen to the song again.

I think ...

... George voted Yes :)

WARNING - Sad post alert - Last saturday ...

... my beautiful Pease Blossom ...
  (a boy, just to clarify)
((my main cat, just to be more clarifcific)) ...
passed away, convulsing in my arms.
He had renal failure and was not robust in his illnesss. Many times choosing not to eat.

If i were rich he would have spent weeks on drips and bi-weekly blood tests and over $100 monthly pills.

Such was not possible.

He would hide if a car pulled up in front of a neighbours house.
When at the vets he would need to be force fed unless i could visit, for he would not eat or defect if i were not present.

He always slept on my hip, or back or stomach.
He would be on my lap if i were still.
Or on my back if i so much as leant slightly forward.
He liked back-surfing.
I would take him on trips around the house like so.

He waged a war with the Tablet, where he won if he sat closer to my face than the screen.

I had to work last Saturday.
I work every Saturday now because no one else wants to work saturdays, even though they know i would like to have two days off in a row at least once a month. Even though i cover all their shifts whenever they don't want to work them.

The manager was on leave, so i didn't feel able to not work.

Blossom waited until i came home.

I rinsed his mouth out under the tap and bundled him in a blanket, stroking his poor head.

He seemed to give me a purr, though that could well have been my overstrained imagination.

I cradled his corpse for far longer than was probably necessary because i couldn't differentiate between the blood pulsing in my ears and a heartbeat.

He is currently in my freezer pending a decision on burial.

Its been raining alot.
The irony is fierce.
It rarely rains here.
We have been on level three water restrictions for months.
The radio station personalities are calling Townsville "the Dome".

My yard is underwater, so burial with commerative garden is unfeasible at present.

I am very sad.
He was a very nice cat.
He was only nine.

Puzzled

How on earth can I possibly have 146 views from France today?
Odd.
Perhaps they are all Kate Bush fans?

I did not paint anything, but have seen some cheap calenders of reef/ocean scenes and plan to cut the pictures into fish shapes and blu-tak them to the walls of the new doctors office.

I think it will look cool.

Also plan to find some grey coloured cardboard and cut out shark fins, so I can have them circling the desk and skirting boards.  The carpet is a deep blue so that should work out well, I think.

Probably should find some way of incorporating crocpdiles as there have been some large ones sighted drifting about peopled areas lately, but I think that will be too hard.

Ààaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

I am going to try and paint stuff tomorrow.

I havent painted for over a decade, maybe more.
I was never any good anyway.

It would work better if i had a concept or idea to start with, but i got nothing but the urge to fill pages and pages.

Possibly i may share?
Or not.

Possibly i may just go to the markets and eat dumplings and nap instead.
Actually, that is really quite possible, nearing probable.

All things are possible in a free world.

I wish I were like sketcher ben who I am following on facebook who is soo awesome, sigh.  He does these beautiful little water colour sketches of scenes. Just lovely.

If i were more able technlogically i would post a link.
But I'm not.
So I won't.
Cause I can't.
So I can't.
Though I'd like.
Though I can't.
So i wont.

And the neighbours down the road are having a domestic and the lady/woman has a voice that carries blocks.  I used to yell like that when i was five or less.

I miss it.
It would be nice to just let go and scream and scream when I felt like it.
But not so nice for others, hey?

Envy thy name be Sam.

Concept - reducing clutter ...

... funnily enough this has been something I have been trying the last few years.

I reasoned, that if everything had a place, it would be easier to put them in their place.  I have gotten rid of more books then I ever conceived possible.

Lately, i have boxed up all my bric-a-brac with the intent of what is not missed can be disposed of.

Oddly enough, i find this has made me even more messy.

As if the possesions are the barrier that holds my mess in check.

I think I need a certain kind of clutter around me to make me feel like I am present and securely occupying my space, but it is only a theory so far, as i haven't managed to get to a vacant enough state to be able to start from scratch.

I was in the mind set last night to just throw everything out and start again. It is still tickling at my mind as an interesting idea.  What would it be like to start again. What would the new posessions I chose show me to be, uncluttered by things given by others to muddy the view. All a bit nacasistic says my inner self.

When boxing bric-a-brac it turned out to be mostly stuff given to me. Probably most of what I own has been given or inherited or gifted as presents at obligatory occasions when someone has to give you something, not nessecarily because it solely spoke to them as something I just had to have, so they bought it without a need to buy something

I am getting convoluted and squiggly.

My head is like this on an ordinary day.
I don't even want to revisit it on a bad day.
They happen on their own and don't need to be reaffirmed in a light hearted blog.

Stuff isnt important anyway.
Oh look, a kitty!

Even my cat seems to think this is a silly post!

Maybe i need to set up a phone line?

Another adolescent frog tried to commit suicide by cat(s) this evening.

How do they get in?

Do they crawl through the cracks in the louvres?
Do they come up the drains?
Do they crawl out from under the lowered lid of the toilet?

However they achieve it, it must take effort.

The cats couldnt be bothered this evening.

It made it all the way too the kitchen from downstairs ( three steps ). Mob mentality took over then and they were all gawking at it.  It would do its little froggy scream like ' come on if you think you're hard enough', and they were all like, 'oh my god, look at him! Isnt he a funny colour, haha'.

I used a cherry tomato punnet container to transport it outside,

Couldnt for the life of me, from looking at it, tell you if it was a boy or a girl, but based on behaviour, i reckon it was a boy.

Idiot.

hum ... i should have known there was something up when my old cat voluntarily came in for the night, but instead i enjoyed snuggles in blissful ignorance.  Twas not till I turned on the news in substitute of a wall clock that I found out there had been a storm.  Thus I flung on clothes willy-nilly and puttered into work a bit early.

I have heard some good stories, but sadly cannot repeat them due to privacy reasons, etc, etc, etc. 

Rooves off.  Bits flying about.

I had a pot plant fall over.

cheers

Oh my

well ... now that i am working again, all-be-it only temporarily, the prospect of perhaps flying south to listen to bands play raises its tempting head again.

I shall have to trawl to see if anybody i love is playing in the next few months.

For it will only be the next few months that I could possibly do it, as the temp job finishes 29 June (though of course potentially sooner if they suddenly decide to get rid of all the temps or potentially longer if they think i am good and they still need me).

It is a maintenance call centre and so far not unpleasant.  Not busy this week, which is both good and bad. Time to settle in, but one learns quicker with more variety.  First pay isn't until Wednesday or Thursday and I am champing at the bit and living on tuna in white sauce with rice for the foreseeable future.

And porridge.

Probably mostly porridge.
Not sure if I'll cope with porridge for the next five days.
Particularly if I have to resort to the powdered milk with it.

Borrowed money from the eldest which I am vastly looking back to paying back next week.  And sister, who has also been very kind to me.  And thinking obsessively about all the things I want to buy and trying to mentally brake myself at the sametime.

but i NEED an ironingboard and a carpet shampooer and cupboards and chests of drawers and large wall hanging mirrors to remind myself to iron and brush my hair and tidy the darn room they are reflecting.

I decided that one of the deciding factors in my decline into true boom-site-ed-ness was the lack of mirrors. Have not had mirrors around for decades. Need perspective.  Plus I've seen a nice big one with a lovely frame at a second hand store :)  wantz wantz wantz

but am going to be terribly strict on the saving side of things as well, since I have become better at surviving on what is essentially less than half pay.  $600 a fortnight I can't cope with, but $700 or $800 a fortnight I think I could do.

Niece and nephews birthdays coming up too. Gotta makeup for Christmas.

w00t!!!!

Puzzled

wild intense dreams of heists and doublecrosses and disappearing mentors that looked somewhat like Marlon Brando - kind of around his father of superman days - culminating in a plane ride back to an overcast about to be cyclone struckTownsville only to have to dodge a tornado which unexpectedly develops in our flight path and takes out most of the Willows Shopping Centre

what has the Willows Shopping Centre ever done to me to deserve this?

I quite like the willows shopping centre

Waffle

So in some other blog I wondered past they are blogging the alphabet and I am wondering if I should do the same since I've nothing to blog about - my life being nothing but eating working sleeping and possibly more of the eating and sleeping than it should be considering the working consists of just sitting on a chair all day - and the last time I was leading this boring an existence I went with word of the day from the online dictionary - except the time I was going to blog in mirror of another blog I read - just try and take a word or theme from his and see what came out - or in fact the other time I was stalking that gorgeous boy in Seattle and making shit up based on the quotes he would change on a daily basis and endulging in fantastic flights of delusion that we were both communicating to each other in an indirect way and it was wonderful how easy that is to do with someone elses content who has no idea of ones existance - and he was so pretty - I do miss-non-interventionally cyber stalking Justin.

All else I have is my lunches and the places I go to get them.  One place I didn't go to today because I wanted a toasted ham and cheese sandwich and they like me and are lovely and start making me stuff they know I like the minute the see me and then I've not the heart then to say actually no I don't want that today - and they love their bbq sauce and I don't like bbq sauce on my BLTs but she does and thinks she is doing me a favour cause she makes them how she likes them, so I went to a different place and now I know that they love their cheese and it was much more cheese than ham.  I couldn't actually taste the ham.  So now I know that too.

Kind of an intimate detail to know about a complete stranger - foods they like and such.  I feel like I should find out what their names are now.

Must get my internet connected again ... all my friends probably think I'm dead

Night fell hiding my disappointed face better than a paper bag, as I reviewed the clothes I'd hung out to dry last night to find that there were no long pants and the realisation I had left my cardy at work, for tonight is a sisters birthday and it will be a chilly ride home in cotton shorts and a t-shirt highlighted by the orange safety vest with reflective stripes that I feel compelled to donn on night trips but which makes me feel somewhat dicky. 

I used my track pants to stuff a pillow case for Bubba-cat who refuses to come inside at present, after he vomited on the pillow I gave him originally.

So now here I slouch in my sisters computer chair and unfortunately reflected into the corner of my vision from the mirrored wardrobe and reminding me somewhat of my childhood when I'd creep outside to pat a kitten only to be confronted by a startlingly obese cane-toad squatting in a bowl of milk, fair stinking of gloating self-satisfaction.  I have eaten rather too much pizza and now my sister has handed me a Corona with a slice of lime in it.

Lady in the takeaway shop at lunch today spoke of her love of eating lemon with salt on it.  She recommended little bits of lemon chopped up and scattered on Vegemite and toast.  Perhaps I'll get tipsy on the weekend and try it.  It would make a change from the type of thing I generally try making when I am pissed. Certainly a great many less ingredients involved.

g'morning

crisp brisk morning with winter sky
my sunglasses turn the light into that beautiful golden pre-storm light you get sometimes

Monday

9am: the rain clouds drear have returned and in the tinted donga it feels like twillight
11:30am: i'm listening to 80s music and have just eaten deep fried lasagna
12:39pm: i feel oily

Hump Day

and though the work days creep
they pass faster than seems right
I can't believe it's Wednesday already
- and what have I done?
feels like bugger all
(and now I have so this is christmas stuck in my head)
endless pieces of paper being catelogued and ticked as entered and lists made never to have items crossed off whose destiney is to be buried and become mere strata

I shared my viewpoint on work with colleague
that we aren't growing our own food
and are not building shelter from the elements
and therefore everything we do is really just to keep busy and out of trouble

I don't think he found it a liberating perspective
I think he found it depressing

and then I pointed out we are paper shufflers
and that we don't necessarily even get to shuffle actual real paper anymore
sometimes its virtual paper

I like to think of it as a kind of meditation
sitting her clicking away at my computer
checking to see if figures match
not really thinking at any deep level

Maybe I should start a new religon
(splinter group?)
zen and the art of the clerk