Nostelgic

The first person close to me to die was my Grandma.  Not Grandma Cardle.  Grandma.  I don't know if Grandma Cardle ever noticed that she had that extra behind the significient?    Grandma was on dad's side.

Grandma died when I was young.  Not sure what age.  Only that it was pre-eleven.

When she was dying I fantisiesd that I would be able to gain points against the kids a school who didn't like me.  I fantasised that the leader would say to me "Why were you away from school so long" and what was my exccuse.  I imagained I could reply in heartbroken voice (because it was actually true whcih was cool) that my Grandma had died and that they would then feel bad - but then it actually happened and I said my line - and at the time it hit me hard because I meant it - and they didn't give a shit and didn't feel bad at all for bringing it up - pre-teen is silly, ey? and my grandma dying from a heartattack gained me diddly squat.

I still miss her.


I regret the last visit to her at hospital.
I asked her "how are you?"
What a dumb question.
I was probably only eight or nine or something.
It was a red rose.
Red almost black.
Wrapped in plastic.
I remember trying to make a deal with god that she would last longer than the rose.

Didn't work.


Lying on a mattress beneath the ceiling fan of Grandma Cardle's lounge room where I'd slept so many school holidays before, terrified the ceiling fan was going to fall down and mince us all because it used to make so much noise

Grandma was visiting her sisiters who were Sister's of Mercy and showing off about how tuff she was and overdoinging it.